Judgment. That’s what I fear. I fear ridicule of my friends for being stupid. I fear to make a wrong impression on the people I don’t know. I fear to disturb the status- quo with the people whom I have somehow managed to impress. So I settle. I don’t experiment. I don’t let it out. I find comfort standing in the crowd. It hides me from the judgment.

My want for validation outweighs my desire for admiration. Slightest wave of doubt makes me rush to safety. Also, I am not clear about what I even want, so what’s the point. Unknown is a scary place to be. To be successful their are ways. I follow those. But wait, what is success? I’ve been so busy with the idea of being successful, that I never figured it out. I’ve just been busy doing the right things.

Wielding authority is fashionable. I do it. Pretending to know things in today’s competitive world is essential. Do I have an option? Asking questions shows I am interested. So I ask a lot. Giving it back to my haters, shows who’s in command. So I never stop my self. And most importantly sharing my achievements with the world is healthy. And now that I have abundant tools for it, why shouldn’t I?

But I still feel I am chasing something. Like I am in a race. And I am leaving behind something. Things that used to be beautiful. No longer useful. After-all its all about completing the race. Who cares about the beautiful anymore. Although success still seems far fetched. I don’t know how those freaks get lucky. May be it’s all about the luck. Who knows!

( Originally published on Linkedin )